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Email:
Will@Corsairs.com.
William Christopher Teach was born in
the Spring of 1503 (the exact date is unknown) in Kintyre, Ireland.
Despite their difficult lives, Will's parents insisted that their only son be
afforded as much education as possible. Therefore, Will became the only one of
his mates who learned to read and write, accomplishing these tasks in the last 6
months of his tutor's life (an unfortunate occurrence which Will had no part
in).
After following the rocky road from Dublin to the world-renowned seaport of
Liverpool England, Will first set to sea at age 13, as cabin-boy aboard the
"Cease Not", bound for the Barbary Coast. His inquisitive mind and attention to
detail (not to mention his enormous penis) quickly captured the attention of the
ship's purser, who made Will his assistant. Before he'd even returned home from
his first voyage, Will had been promoted from cabin-boy to ship's purser, due to
the untimely death of the previous purser (which Will absolutely swears to this
day that he had nothing to do with, seriously, and no one will ever find the
body, so there).
On Will's second voyage, the "Cease Not" was burned to the waterline while
docked in Marseilles, another calamitous accident that Will avows no knowledge
of (it should be noted that the only life taken in this tragedy was that of the
captain, Jacques Coustrap, who could not escape the fire due to his throat being
slit from ear-to-ear). Will walked home to Liverpool from Marseilles (carrying
an oar on his shoulder; God knows why, since the "Cease Not" wasn't a rowed
ship) and promptly married the first girl who would have him.
 Despite his attempts to settle down to the simple life of a salmon farmer, the
sea had gotten into Will's blood, and at age 16 he once again searched for a
vessel to carry him (historians agree that Will's failure as salmon farmer was
probably due to his tendency to plant them too deep). Unable to sign on to an
English ship (who all considered him bad luck, for whatever reason), Will
shipped out from Spain aboard the "Redrum", bound for the New World: Will's
propensity for numbers gained him the position of Quartermaster. Along the way,
Will was instrumental in the destruction of a sickening sloop called the
Antelope. (Let it be known that Will was not heartless, however; he generously
tossed a ha' penny to a blind, one-legged sailor while in Halifax, but the poor
sightless bastard failed to catch it, and scrabbled on the ground for most of
half-an-hour before he found it, much to the delight of Will and his shipmates.)
Will's return route from Halifax to Liverpool was circuitous, to say the least.
From Halifax, the "Rosabella" took Will around Cape Horn in May of 1520 up to
whaling waters in the cold Kamchatka Sea. After a very brief stop in Japan
(during which Will was screwed and tattooed, having missed the blue-ing
session), the "Rosabella" ventured on to Maui in the Sandwich Islands chain,
where Will was astounded by the biggest kanakas he'd ever seen. Later that year,
while in New Zealand, Will suffered an unusual bout of sickness and almost gave
up the seafaring life, but stayed aboard the "Rosabella" through its Northwest
Passage for more whaling near Greenland. Upon returning home to Liverpool, Will
discovered that his wife had married again because she thought he had been gone
so long he must surely be dead.
Following a short trip to Norway aboard the "Iron Maiden" (during which his new
wife and son died, and he really really wasn't involved in that,honestly), Will,
in desolation, shipped as Quartermaster aboard the "Diamond" (by which many
sperm-whales were bopped upon the head!). The "Diamond's" whaling trip ended in
The Tortugas, where Will intended to drink away the rest of his days in the warm
tropical sun. A sea captain in The Tortugas managed to harness Will's thirst for
the sea once again, however, by almost-someways-kinda-sorta promising untold
riches for a minimum of work. Will, being the "get-rich-quick" sucker that he
was, promptly accepted the offer. This time, it actually paid off; Will was the
driving force behind capturing the single-largest haul of Spanish gold ever
taken, having overcome a 3-ships-to-1 ratio in order to make a filthy fortune.
Upon his return to Liverpool, Will met and charmed the foppish Prince Hapnick of
Carpathia, and was consequently appointed "Lord High Admiral of All The
Carpathian Navy (and don't you forget it, buster!)". As Carpathia is a
landlocked country, there is no actual sailing (or fighting) involved in the
position of Lord High Admiral of All Blah Blah Blah (buster!), but that did not
stop Will from commissioning an impressive (260 feet long! 6 decks high! But
hey, it's not Will's money!) ship to be built for him. The "Brass Bollocks"
currently resides at harbor in Liverpool, England (and has since it was built),
but stands on guard to defend Carpathian interests all around the globe (once a
crew can be gathered; 6-to-18 months, minimum . . . not Will's fault).
In 1533, Will, in a fit of boredom, began singing with the crew of the
"Six-of-One" (which, oddly enough, also never leaves harbor) just to alleviate
his ennui. He has since become a virtuoso on the Hawaiian musical instument
known as the ookoolaylay.
Will now passes his days fat, drunk, and stupid, and waiting for something to
happen.
Vital Statistics:
Height: almost 2 meters
Weight: 19 stone
Hair: Hazel
Eyes: Brown/Grey/Bald
Likes: Reading, Game shows, Classic TV, accidental deaths
Dislikes: people who cannot enjoy silence
Perfect night at home: Passes out on the floor but _doesn't_ throw up.
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